WHAT I LEARNED
1. You HAVE to know what's going on with your kids at school
Most kids are in school until they are 17 or 18 years old. School is a combination of their "job," their environment for socialization, and the embodiment of community for many of them. If you don't know what your kids are doing at school, you are missing out.
2. It is YOUR responsibility to stay informed
Even a clause in your Agreement regarding communication of academic results and sharing of decision making does not mean your ex will ensure you stay informed. That responsibility is not hers and it is definitely not your kids'. It's YOURS. You own it 100% of the time.
3. Schools can be helpful resources for you to understand your kids and their needs
Teachers and schools are on the front line of handling the wreckage you left behind in your divorce. They generally look at an interested dad as an ally. Most of them will bend over backwards to help a dad who wants to be involved and stay informed. The Guidance Office is a good place to start.
If you are older than 30, schools have gone through a technological metamorphosis since you matriculated from the hallowed halls of Grim Little Place Elementary. They publish newsletters, have informative websites, and will extend a huge amount of effort to keep you in the loop.
My personal favorite is the online grading applications. These are rights based, password enabled tools that allow you to see posting of your children's grades online. DAILY! The wailing and gnashing of teeth I heard from my high school aged daughter at this "invasion of privacy" almost elicited some sympathy from me.
Here's what happened...
Right after Halloween in year 2 after my divorce, I finished a call with my kids on a Sunday night; after having talked with them at length about school I realized something was fishy. There had been no mention of grades, despite the fact that we were already into November.
The following Wednesday I spoke to them again. Eldest Daughter was first. She is an extremely intelligent young woman, possessed of a strong vocabulary and adept in advancing her opinion in all types of conversation. School, however, at that point was "bullshit stuff I'll never use in "real life," and something to be navigated with as little concentrated effort as possible. I had the feeling she was sliding by with Gentlemen’s Cs—or worse.
“Hey—when are report cards coming out?" I asked her in the manner Mike Wallace used to query televangelists who had been siphoning church funds into off shore accounts—already knowing the answer and holding a sheaf of documentation behind his back to buttress the trap he was setting.
“Umm...I’m not sure.." she stammered.
“Not sure?" I said. " It’s almost November and nothing? Are you sure YOU haven’t seen any grades yet? And how come you don’t know when they’re coming out?”
“Umm...I’m not sure.." she stammered.
“Not sure?" I said. " It’s almost November and nothing? Are you sure YOU haven’t seen any grades yet? And how come you don’t know when they’re coming out?”
“I don’t know. I'll try to find out," she said in an unenthusiastic tone.
Younger Daughter was next. Younger Daughter is a quiet, serious perfectionist who revels in good behavior and excels at school. At 9 she had already won her schools Good Citizen award for four straight years in her grade level. When people asked her what things she liked to do for fun she would say," I kind of like school."
I remembered how in trying to teach her the game of golf, she was bored with the idea of striking the ball but utterly fascinated with the seemingly endless and complex rules of the game and its etiquette. At each tee she would ask, “Hey Dad, can you tell me about some more rules?” I vacillated between being incredibly proud of her work ethic and the seriousness with which she regarded school and breaking into tears at the thought of the divorce driving her to seek solace, order, and calm in the one environment where she could almost fully control what happened to her through her own effort—school.
Younger Daughter was next. Younger Daughter is a quiet, serious perfectionist who revels in good behavior and excels at school. At 9 she had already won her schools Good Citizen award for four straight years in her grade level. When people asked her what things she liked to do for fun she would say," I kind of like school."
I remembered how in trying to teach her the game of golf, she was bored with the idea of striking the ball but utterly fascinated with the seemingly endless and complex rules of the game and its etiquette. At each tee she would ask, “Hey Dad, can you tell me about some more rules?” I vacillated between being incredibly proud of her work ethic and the seriousness with which she regarded school and breaking into tears at the thought of the divorce driving her to seek solace, order, and calm in the one environment where she could almost fully control what happened to her through her own effort—school.
After a few minutes of small talk I cast the line into the water.
“So…how was your report card?" I asked.
“Great Dad!" she said and I could feel her face beaming through the phone. “ I got one B but the rest A’s. And there were good Additional Teacher Comments in every class.”
“That’s great!” I exclaimed with sincere enthusiasm and notified her to check her mailbox soon for a performance based bonus gift card for Toys R Us.
“Is your Mom around?" I asked in my most innocent tone and she went to retrieve X from whatever she was doing.
“So…how was your report card?" I asked.
“Great Dad!" she said and I could feel her face beaming through the phone. “ I got one B but the rest A’s. And there were good Additional Teacher Comments in every class.”
“That’s great!” I exclaimed with sincere enthusiasm and notified her to check her mailbox soon for a performance based bonus gift card for Toys R Us.
“Is your Mom around?" I asked in my most innocent tone and she went to retrieve X from whatever she was doing.
I could hear X asking, “What does he want?” to Youngest Daughter. There was some muffled noise and then I heard what had become her standard salutation. “What’s up?” This was pushed out with a combination of revulsion, indifference, and pity that was an impressive emotional combination for a two word sentence and a tone that had taken her surprisingly little time to adopt after we split up.
“Hey, I’m not trying to be a pest or anything but I haven’t seen the girls report cards yet this term. Have you seen anything yet?” I asked--already knowing they had been in circulation due to Youngest's good results.
“Yeah. They came out three weeks ago.”
“Really. Well I didn’t get them in the mail. Did you send them to me?”
“No.”
This was a little irritating because it was spelled out in our Agreement that she was to inform me of any issues at school requiring joint decisionmaking and that provision included mailing of report cards. I probably should have just called the school myself right after we split up and had the report cards mailed directly to me but we had been managing to cooperate on this issue pretty well for the past two years so I was surprised not to get them.
This was a little irritating because it was spelled out in our Agreement that she was to inform me of any issues at school requiring joint decisionmaking and that provision included mailing of report cards. I probably should have just called the school myself right after we split up and had the report cards mailed directly to me but we had been managing to cooperate on this issue pretty well for the past two years so I was surprised not to get them.
“Can I ask why not?" I said.
“I had it at work but the copier was broken so I never sent it.”
X has a pretty important position as the 2nd in command of a government bureaucratic function in Grim Little Place that is highly regulated at both the state and federal levels.
The amount of copying and filing that goes on in her office in order for her agency to cover its ass is staggering. Even in a day of electronic document capture, scanners, and PDFs, the amount of trees felled and copies made and filed in this place is unbelievable.
The Steelcase file cabinet rep and the Minolta copier rep make their annual bonus just on what this place buys in filing and copying equipment. In fact, there are people who work there who literally do nothing but file and copy. I begin to suspect that X’s story on the broken copier is untrue.
The Steelcase file cabinet rep and the Minolta copier rep make their annual bonus just on what this place buys in filing and copying equipment. In fact, there are people who work there who literally do nothing but file and copy. I begin to suspect that X’s story on the broken copier is untrue.
“Wow. The copier was broken for three weeks? Can you guys even operate without a copier? I thought you had like 6 of them in the office?” I envisioned a half dozen middle aged apparatchiks sitting around twiddling their thimbs while stacks of important uncopied and unfiled documents piled up.
“Broken,” said X matter of factly.
I hung up and decided to rethink my strategy. Extending any effort to keep me posted on the kids school performance and activities was clearly something that no longer held any interest for X.
Grim Little Place has a website for their school system and remembering that I had once accessed it to find out the dates for a school vacation I got online and Googled it. “Contact Us” said a banner at the top of the page, and so I scrolled down to Grim Little Place High School and dialed the number.
Grim Little Place has a website for their school system and remembering that I had once accessed it to find out the dates for a school vacation I got online and Googled it. “Contact Us” said a banner at the top of the page, and so I scrolled down to Grim Little Place High School and dialed the number.
The phone rang twice and then was answered. “Grim Little Place High School, Donner speaking. May I help you?”
“Yes Donna, “ I said. “My name is Long Distance Dad and my daughter, Eldest is a junior there at Grim Little Place High School? I live in Far Away State and I am having trouble getting progress reports, reports cards and other notices from the school. Is there anything you can do to help me with that?”
“Shoo-ah,” she said. “Let me connect you with the Guidance Office.”
I was placed on hold and then the Guidance Department answered. “Oh yes,” said the Guidance Counselor. “Eldest Daughter. She’s one of my advisees. She’s certainly a young woman who is confident of her opinions."
Eldest is in fact a young woman who takes great pride in not accepting “attitude” from ANYONE. After supporting McCain in the presidential election she patiently waited two years to show up at school one day with a T-shirt that read “I Guess He Can’t,” when Obama's approval level hit its lowest so as to have factual proof that her opinion had been correct. I wondered how else Guidance Counselor might have seen that in action.
I explained my situation to her about wanting to be more involved with knowing what Eldest was up to and was pleasantly surprised by her reply. In addition to the very informative website that Grim Little Place’s Board of Education had set up for each of its schools, Grim Little HS also mailed out a weekly Parent’s Newsletter that detailed days off, school plays, athletic events, and best of all dates for progress reports and report cards. Guidance Counselor took my address and signed me up immediately.
The Newsletter has proven to be a great source of discussion topics when I speak to Eldest Daughter every few days. I confess to enjoying the tone of surprise in her reply when I ask her, "So, how was the dance Friday night?"
The Newsletter has proven to be a great source of discussion topics when I speak to Eldest Daughter every few days. I confess to enjoying the tone of surprise in her reply when I ask her, "So, how was the dance Friday night?"
Guidance Counselor then asked, “Has Eldest told you about Grade Master?”
“No,” I said, envisioning some type of parent/child workshop to promote understanding and bonding. Yet another event I would miss due to distance and separation.
"I think it would be PERFECT for someone in your situation," she said. "It's an online tool that allows you to see Eldest's grades as they are posted into the computer by her teachers. You can look everyday if you want."
"Wow!" I said. "That IS amazing," thinking that if my parents had access to something like this back in the Big '80's it surely would have come to no good for myself or my brother. Managing the 4 times a year ass whippings my father laid out for crappy report cards was tough enough. Daily beatings for failing a Spanish verb conjugation or Vocabulary quiz on a Tuesday would have been challenging.
She sent me the link and log-on information after we hung up and it was a very helpful tool--not just to keep tabs on Eldest's grades but to see where she was struggling or succeeding, asking questions about certain projects, etc.
The bottom line here is that if you want to stay involved and informed with what your kids are doing at school, there are many resources available to assist you. With a little effort I was able to take responsibility on my end and relieve my ex of the burden. I wish I had figured it out sooner.
"I think it would be PERFECT for someone in your situation," she said. "It's an online tool that allows you to see Eldest's grades as they are posted into the computer by her teachers. You can look everyday if you want."
"Wow!" I said. "That IS amazing," thinking that if my parents had access to something like this back in the Big '80's it surely would have come to no good for myself or my brother. Managing the 4 times a year ass whippings my father laid out for crappy report cards was tough enough. Daily beatings for failing a Spanish verb conjugation or Vocabulary quiz on a Tuesday would have been challenging.
She sent me the link and log-on information after we hung up and it was a very helpful tool--not just to keep tabs on Eldest's grades but to see where she was struggling or succeeding, asking questions about certain projects, etc.
The bottom line here is that if you want to stay involved and informed with what your kids are doing at school, there are many resources available to assist you. With a little effort I was able to take responsibility on my end and relieve my ex of the burden. I wish I had figured it out sooner.
No comments:
Post a Comment