Staying in touch with your kids when they live a long distance from you is a major challenge, but with a few key fundamentals you can keep the lines of communication open and ensure that electronic contact with your kids allows you to know what's going on and doesn't become a chore for them.
WHAT I LEARNED
1. Consistency is key. Set up regular times to communicate with your kids and stick to them—no matter what.
2. The responsibility for communication is YOURS 100% of the time. Your kids shouldn’t have to deal with the additional burden of staying in touch with you.
3. Find creative ways to stay in touch. It will keep your kids interested and make the conversations easier and more pleasant.
Here's what happened...
At the end of 2008, X and I split up and I moved to Far Away State. Eldest Daughter was 15 at the time and Youngest was 9. I promised them I would call them twice a week until they were adults. It’s been almost 3 years and I am happy to say I have never let them down—at least on that promise.
If I had to limit myself to one comment about communicating with your kids long distance, it would be this standard from Woody Allen: “Ninety percent of anything is just showing up.” And while communicating regularly with your kids is not as complex as figuring out the collegiate football bowl ranking system, there are some simple things I learned which might help you stay in touch.
Whatever method of communication you choose, consistency is the key. Try scheduling phone calls with your kids on a certain day and time every week so they start to get in the habit that they will speak with you at that time.
If they miss a call because of an activity, an unavoidable circumstance, or because that movie with friends was simply a little more important than hearing about you heating up leftovers again, don’t make them feel guilty about it. Just tell them you’re sorry you didn’t connect, that it’s important to you that you stay in touch with them, and that you look forward to catching up on your next call.
My kids have gotten so used to this routine that if we miss a call, they usually call me the next day even if it's not a scheduled "call day". I don't know about you, but one of my daughters calling me just to say hello is always a day brightener.
Kids appreciate the comfort of a routine so don’t try and break out of your normal routine of communicating with them as it will confuse them. If you are a traveling salesman and you were on the road all the time when you were married and didn’t talk to them everyday, don’t bombard them with constant communication now. The communication has to be manageable on both sides so you can keep your commitments and they don't feel it's a burden.
I found that scheduling a regular phone discussion with my two kids plus having an "open line" policy where I made sure they knew they could call me 24 hours a day if they needed to talk about anything has worked out pretty well. Eldest Daughter often uses this service as a way to get an advisory opinion on some disciplinary ruling X has meted out but it's still nice to know that she feels she can call me anytime, day or night, when she needs to talk.
It’s all up to you: Your kids aren’t responsible for maintaining communication with you —you are responsible 100% of the time. If they are already feeling confused or abandoned because of your divorce, their feeling that they have to "work" to talk to you will only make things worse.
If you are counting on your Ex to do anything to facilitate your communication with your kids, you may want to reconsider.
In my case X has never stopped me from communicating with my kids but she has never lifted a finger to make sure I knew where they were on nights I was scheduled to call, never made sure they called me back, etc.
At first I was outraged by this, but then I figured out over time that if I adopted the principle that communication was 100% my responsibility, whether someone else did or didn't want it to happen or didn't work to make it easier would be of no consequence. When they reach adulthood, no one will be there to facilitate those things either so I just determined that due to the circumstances I would have to adopt this approach sooner rather than later.
Find Creative Ways to Communicate with Your Kids: I know I sound like the character "Grumpy Old Man" from the Saturday Night Live Skit, but in my day kids didn't have eleventy kazillion ways to talk to people. They made "telephones" by stringing rusty old cans of soup between their houses with twine and shouted to each other through the soup cans. That's the way it was, and by god, they LIKED it that way!
Nowadays even elementary school aged kids are rolling around town in the back of mini-vans texting away on their Blackberry's and iPhones. It was bad enough wearing maroon Sears Toughskins jeans to school and getting laughed at. I can't even imagine being taunted because my cell phone was 3G instead of 4G.
While you may be a bit bewildered by the array of electronic gadgets your kids use to communicate with the world, the upside is that there are more ways than ever to stay in touch with them. With Youngest, the land line at X's house has always worked best. With Eldest Daughter, I call her exclusively on her cell phone. She also texts me several times a week, mocking my replies "bcuz U txt like a Dad".
If you don’t know how to use Skype or a similar teleconferencing program, get familiar with one. Your kids are probably tech savvy and if they haven’t used Skype they’ll think it’s cool. If they already use it and you’re not communicating with them in that manner, they’ll wonder why not.
Skype has been great because I not only get to see my kids when we are talking, but I get to see them do things as well. Youngest Daughter is a pretty enthusiastic musician and she will sometimes break out her instrument and play a piece for me she has been practicing.
Eldest Daughter was recently involved in a community outreach project where she worked with young kids for several months. When it was over the kids wrote her thank you notes, which she held up on the screen for me to read. These are nice little extras that you don't get with a phone call.
Besides phone calls and video conferencing, there are other ways you connect long distance.
Youngest Daughter and I started a Reading Club. I sent her 4 age appropriate books I had enjoyed when I was her age and bought copies for myself. We read the books at the same time and then discussed them on the phone. She really liked two of the four a lot and it was a wonderful way to have a discussion topic for our conversations.
I went antique browsing with my girlfriend and we found a shop that had a bin with thousands of antique postcards from the 30's and 40's for a nickel apiece. I bought several dozen that were postcards from Far Away State where I live. Because Youngest does not have a cell phone yet and cannot text me like her big sister does, I send her one every few weeks with a nice note on it. She has really enjoyed those as well.
Communicating effectively with my kids has been a challenge, but once I took ownership for it and established a routine it has proven to be a very rewarding way to stay in touch until I get to see them face to face.
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