Communication Breakdown (It's always the same...)

Staying in touch with your kids when they live a long distance from you is a major challenge, but with a few key fundamentals you can keep the lines of communication open and ensure that electronic contact with your kids allows you to know what's going on and doesn't become a chore for them.

WHAT I LEARNED

1.     Consistency is key. Set up regular times to communicate with your kids and stick to them—no matter what.

2.    The responsibility for communication is YOURS 100% of the time.  Your kids shouldn’t have to deal with the additional burden of staying in touch with you.

3.    Find creative ways to stay in touch. It will keep your kids interested and make the conversations easier and more pleasant.

Here's what happened...

At the end of 2008, X and I split up and I moved to Far Away State.  Eldest Daughter was 15 at the time and Youngest was 9.  I promised them I would call them twice a week until they were adults.  It’s been almost 3 years and I am happy to say I have never let them down—at least on that promise.

If I had to limit myself to one comment about communicating with your kids long distance, it would be this standard from Woody Allen: “Ninety percent of anything is just showing up.” And while communicating regularly with your kids is not as complex as figuring out the collegiate football bowl ranking system, there are some simple things I learned which might help you stay in touch.

Whatever method of communication you choose, consistency is the key.  Try scheduling phone calls with your kids on a certain day and time every week so they start to get in the habit that they will speak with you at that time. 

If they miss a call because of an activity, an unavoidable circumstance, or because that movie with friends was simply a little more important than hearing about you heating up leftovers again, don’t make them feel guilty about it. Just tell them you’re sorry you didn’t connect, that it’s important to you that you stay in touch with them, and that you look forward to catching up on your next call.

My kids have gotten so used to this routine that if we miss a call, they usually call me the next day even if it's not a scheduled "call day".  I don't know about you, but one of my daughters calling me just to say hello is always a day brightener.

Kids appreciate the comfort of a routine so don’t try and break out of your normal routine of communicating with them as it will confuse them.  If you are a traveling salesman and you were on the road all the time when you were married and didn’t talk to them everyday, don’t bombard them with constant communication now. The communication has to be manageable on both sides so you can keep your commitments and they don't feel it's a burden.

I found that scheduling a regular phone discussion with my two kids plus having an "open line" policy where I made sure they knew they could call me 24 hours a day if they needed to talk about anything has worked out pretty well.  Eldest Daughter often uses this service as a way to get an advisory opinion on some disciplinary ruling X has meted out but it's still nice to know that she feels she can call me anytime, day or night, when she needs to talk.

It’s all up to you: Your kids aren’t responsible for maintaining communication with you —you are responsible 100% of the time.  If they are already feeling confused or abandoned because of your divorce, their feeling that they have to "work" to talk to you will only make things worse.

If you are counting on your Ex to do anything to facilitate your communication with your kids, you may want to reconsider.

In my case X has never stopped me from communicating with my kids but she has never lifted a finger to make sure I knew where they were on nights I was scheduled to call, never made sure they called me back, etc.

At first I was outraged by this, but then I figured out over time that if I adopted the principle that communication was 100% my responsibility, whether someone else did or didn't want it to happen or didn't work to make it easier would be of no consequence.  When they reach adulthood, no one will be there to facilitate those things either so I just determined that due to the circumstances I would have to adopt this approach sooner rather than later.

Find Creative Ways to Communicate with Your Kids:  I know I sound like the character "Grumpy Old Man" from the Saturday Night Live Skit, but in my day kids didn't have eleventy kazillion ways to talk to people.  They made "telephones" by stringing rusty old cans of soup between their houses with twine and shouted to each other through the soup cans.  That's the way it was, and by god, they LIKED it that way!

Nowadays even elementary school aged kids are rolling around town in the back of mini-vans texting away on their Blackberry's and iPhones.  It was bad enough wearing maroon Sears Toughskins jeans to school and getting laughed at.  I can't even imagine being taunted because my cell phone was 3G instead of 4G.

While you may be a bit bewildered by the array of electronic gadgets your kids use to communicate with the world, the upside is that there are more ways than ever to stay in touch with them. With Youngest, the land line at X's house has always worked best.  With Eldest Daughter, I call her exclusively on her cell phone.  She also texts me several times a week, mocking my replies "bcuz U txt like a Dad".

If you don’t know how to use Skype or a similar teleconferencing program, get familiar with one. Your kids are probably tech savvy and if they haven’t used Skype they’ll think it’s cool.  If they already use it and you’re not communicating with them in that manner, they’ll wonder why not. 

Skype has been great because I not only get to see my kids when we are talking, but I get to see them do things as well.  Youngest Daughter is a pretty enthusiastic musician and she will sometimes break out her instrument and play a piece for me she has been practicing.

Eldest Daughter was recently involved in a community outreach project where she worked with young kids for several months.  When it was over the kids wrote her thank you notes, which she held up on the screen for me to read.  These are nice little extras that you don't get with a phone call. 

Besides phone calls and video conferencing, there are other ways you connect long distance.

Youngest Daughter and I started a Reading Club.  I sent her 4 age appropriate books I had enjoyed when I was her age and bought copies for myself.  We read the books at the same time and then discussed them on the phone.  She really liked two of the four a lot and it was a wonderful way to have a discussion topic for our conversations.

I went antique browsing with my girlfriend and we found a shop that had a bin with thousands of antique postcards from the 30's and 40's for a nickel apiece.  I bought several dozen that were postcards from Far Away State where I live. Because Youngest does not have a cell phone yet and cannot text me like her big sister does,  I send her one every few weeks with a nice note on it.  She has really enjoyed those as well.

Communicating effectively with my kids has been a challenge, but once I took ownership for it and established a routine it has proven to be a very rewarding way to stay in touch until I get to see them face to face.

I Won't Get Schooled Again

If you're reading this I'm assuming that you don't have hours to screw around while I get to the point of each post so I'll put "What I Learned" from each situation up front and the narrative below it.  That way you can look and see if my nuggets of wisdom are so precious that you need to invest in reading the whole thing.


WHAT I LEARNED


1.  You HAVE to know what's going on with your kids at school


Most kids are in school until they are 17 or 18 years old. School is a combination of their "job," their environment for socialization, and the embodiment of community for many of them.  If you don't know what your kids are doing at school, you are missing out.


2. It is YOUR responsibility to stay informed


Even a clause in your Agreement regarding communication of academic results and sharing of decision making does not mean your ex will ensure you stay informed.  That responsibility is not hers and it is definitely not your kids'.  It's YOURS.  You own it 100% of the time.


3. Schools can be helpful resources for you to understand your kids and their needs


Teachers and schools are on the front line of handling the wreckage you left behind in your divorce. They generally look at an interested dad as an ally. Most of them will bend over backwards to help a dad who wants to be involved and stay informed.  The Guidance Office is a good place to start.


If you are older than 30, schools have gone through a technological metamorphosis since you matriculated from the hallowed halls of Grim Little Place Elementary.  They publish newsletters, have informative websites, and will extend a huge amount of effort to keep you in the loop.


My personal favorite is the online grading applications. These are rights based, password enabled tools that allow you to see posting of your children's grades online.  DAILY!  The wailing and gnashing of teeth I heard from my high school aged daughter at this "invasion of privacy" almost elicited some sympathy from me.


Here's what happened...

Right after Halloween in year 2 after my divorce, I finished a call with my kids on a Sunday night; after having talked with them at length about school I realized something was fishy.  There had been no mention of grades, despite the fact that we were already into November.

The following Wednesday I spoke to them again.  Eldest Daughter was first.  She is an extremely intelligent young woman, possessed of a strong vocabulary and adept in advancing her opinion in all types of conversation.  School, however, at that point was "bullshit stuff I'll never use in "real life," and something to be navigated with as little concentrated effort as possible.  I had the feeling she was sliding by with Gentlemen’s Cs—or worse.

“Hey—when are report cards coming out?" I asked her in the manner Mike Wallace used to query televangelists who had been siphoning church funds into off shore accounts—already knowing the answer and holding a sheaf of documentation behind his back to buttress the trap he was setting. 


“Umm...I’m not sure.." she stammered. 


“Not sure?" I said. " It’s almost November and nothing?  Are you sure YOU haven’t seen any grades yet? And how come you don’t know when they’re coming out?”

“I don’t know. I'll try to find out," she said in an unenthusiastic tone. 


Younger Daughter was next.  Younger Daughter is a quiet, serious perfectionist who revels in good behavior and excels at school.  At 9 she had already won her schools Good Citizen award for four straight years in her grade level.  When people asked her what things she liked to do for fun she would say," I kind of like school." 


I remembered how in trying to teach her the game of golf, she was bored with the idea of striking the ball but utterly fascinated with the seemingly endless and complex rules of the game and its etiquette.  At each tee she would ask, “Hey Dad, can you tell me about some more rules?”  I vacillated between being incredibly proud of her work ethic and the seriousness with which she regarded school and breaking into tears at the thought of the divorce driving her to seek solace, order, and calm in the one environment where she could almost fully control what happened to her through her own effort—school.

After a few minutes of small talk I cast the line into the water.


 “So…how was your report card?" I asked. 


 “Great Dad!" she said and I could feel her face beaming through the phone.  “ I got one B but the rest A’s.  And there were good Additional Teacher Comments in every class.” 


 “That’s great!” I exclaimed with sincere enthusiasm and notified her to check her mailbox soon for a performance based bonus gift card for Toys R Us. 


 “Is your Mom around?" I asked in my most innocent tone and she went to retrieve X from whatever she was doing.


 

I could hear X asking, “What does he want?” to Youngest Daughter. There was some muffled noise and then I heard what had become her standard salutation. “What’s up?” This was pushed out with a combination of revulsion, indifference, and pity that was an impressive emotional combination for a two word sentence and a tone that had taken her surprisingly little time to adopt after we split up.

“Hey, I’m not trying to be a pest or anything but I haven’t seen the girls report cards yet this term.  Have you seen anything yet?” I asked--already knowing they had been in circulation due to Youngest's good results.

“Yeah. They came out three weeks ago.”

“Really. Well I didn’t get them in the mail.  Did you send them to me?”

“No.”


This was a little irritating because it was spelled out in our Agreement that she was to inform me of any issues at school requiring joint decisionmaking and that provision included mailing of report cards.  I probably should have just called the school myself right after we split up and had the report cards mailed directly to me but we had been managing to cooperate on this issue pretty well for the past two years so I was surprised not to get them.

“Can I ask why not?" I said.

“I had it at work but the copier was broken so I never sent it.”

X has a pretty important position as the 2^nd in command of a government bureaucratic function in Grim Little Place that is highly regulated at both the state and federal levels. 

The amount of copying and filing that goes on in her office in order for her agency to cover its ass is staggering.  Even in a day of electronic document capture, scanners, and PDFs, the amount of trees felled and copies made and filed in this place is unbelievable. 


The Steelcase file cabinet rep and the Minolta copier rep make their annual bonus just on what this place buys in filing and copying equipment.  In fact, there are people who work there who literally do nothing but file and copy.  I begin to suspect that X’s story on the broken copier is untrue.

“Wow. The copier was broken for three weeks? Can you guys even operate without a copier? I thought you had like 6 of them in the office?”  I envisioned a half dozen middle aged apparatchiks sitting around twiddling their thimbs while stacks of important uncopied and unfiled documents piled up.

“Broken,” said X matter of factly.

I hung up and decided to rethink my strategy. Extending any effort to keep me posted on the kids school performance and activities was clearly something that no longer held any interest for X. 


Grim Little Place has a website for their school system and remembering that I had once accessed it to find out the dates for a school vacation I got online and Googled it.  “Contact Us” said a banner at the top of the page, and so I scrolled down to Grim Little Place High School and dialed the number.

The phone rang twice and then was answered.  “Grim Little Place High School, Donner speaking. May I help you?”

“Yes Donna, “ I said. “My name is Long Distance Dad and my daughter, Eldest is a junior there at Grim Little Place High School?  I live in Far Away State and I am having trouble getting progress reports, reports cards and other notices from the school.  Is there anything you can do to help me with that?”

“Shoo-ah,” she said. “Let me connect you with the Guidance Office.”

I was placed on hold and then the Guidance Department answered.  “Oh yes,” said the Guidance Counselor. “Eldest Daughter.  She’s one of my advisees. She’s certainly a young woman who is confident of her opinions."

Eldest is in fact a young woman who takes great pride in not accepting “attitude” from ANYONE. After supporting McCain in the presidential election she patiently waited two years to show up at school one day with a T-shirt that read “I Guess He Can’t,” when Obama's approval level hit its lowest so as to have factual proof that her opinion had been correct.  I wondered how else Guidance Counselor might have seen that in action.

I explained my situation to her about wanting to be more involved with knowing what Eldest was up to and was pleasantly surprised by her reply.  In addition to the very informative website that Grim Little Place’s Board of Education had set up for each of its schools, Grim Little HS also mailed out a weekly Parent’s Newsletter that detailed days off, school plays, athletic events, and best of all dates for progress reports and report cards.  Guidance Counselor took my address and signed me up immediately.


The Newsletter has proven to be a great source of discussion topics when I speak to Eldest Daughter every few days.  I confess to enjoying the tone of surprise in her reply when I ask her, "So, how was the dance Friday night?"

Guidance Counselor then asked, “Has Eldest told you about Grade Master?”

“No,” I said, envisioning some type of parent/child workshop to promote understanding and bonding.  Yet another event I would miss due to distance and separation.


"I think it would be PERFECT for someone in your situation," she said.  "It's an online tool that allows you to see Eldest's grades as they are posted into the computer by her teachers.  You can look everyday if you want."


"Wow!" I said. "That IS amazing," thinking that if my parents had access to something like this back in the Big '80's it surely would have come to no good for myself or my brother.  Managing the 4 times a year ass whippings my father laid out for crappy report cards was tough enough.  Daily beatings for failing a Spanish verb conjugation or Vocabulary quiz on a Tuesday would have been challenging.


She sent me the link and log-on information after we hung up and it was a very helpful tool--not just to keep tabs on Eldest's grades but to see where she was struggling or succeeding, asking questions about certain projects, etc.


The bottom line here is that if you want to stay involved and informed with what your kids are doing at school, there are many resources available to assist you.  With a little effort I was able to take responsibility on my end and relieve my ex of the burden.  I wish I had figured it out sooner.

Happy New Year!

It’s a new year and I always take the end of the old one to spend some time reflecting on what went right, what went wrong, and what I’d like to do differently on what seems to me always to be the blank slate of the new year in front of me.

As I did my annual self-evaluation this week, I concluded at the end of the session that the past three years had marked a significant change in my life.  I ended a nearly 20 year marriage and through a series of regrettable choices on my part and some help from an ailing economy, suddenly found myself to be what feels like a world away from my two wonderful daughters.

I wish I could say that the past three years have removed all of my personal shortcomings, but they haven’t.  They have been the toughest years of my life, but I’ve also learned a great deal about what it takes to really be a father now that my kids don’t live down the hall, ready to come running each time I raise my voice.

When I bought my eldest home from the hospital I remember my ex and I putting her in the middle of the floor in her car seat.  It was the cold of winter and she was bundled in snuggly fleece from head to toe—only her eyes--and mouth—stuffed with a binky—exposed to the chill of our small apartment.

“What do we do NOW?”, wailed my ex, an intelligent and forceful woman in all other areas of her life.  I may not have cried but I felt the same way inside—helpless, and frightened, and incompetent.  “They don’t send you home from the hospital with an Owner’s Manual,” my Dad once said while lamenting one of his own parenting shortcomings.  The weight of that offhand remark suddenly came crashing down on me.

Sixteen years later I found myself in an equally frightening predicament three time zones away from my children—this time with no one automatically stepping up to share the burden.  Over time I have had to re-learn how to be a Dad through the filter of distance, divorce and some daunting personal changes.  I’ve often wondered if there were other men out there in my same predicament.  Surely more than a few of us face the same challenge of trying to be the best fathers we can be, and better people than we used to be, far away from our children.

This blog is an attempt to pass on to those of you in my situation some of the things I’ve learned over time—often at the price of great heartache and expense. My intention is to pass on things that any dad in this situation might encounter regardless of where he lives, socio-economic background, race, religion, etc.

My intention is also not to use this as a forum to crack on my ex despite the acrimony between us that continues to confound me.  There are lots of places where men vent on the mothers of their children, the “unfair” disposition of the judicial system towards mothers in matters of child support and custody, etc.  This is not one of them.

I’m not a shrink, an attorney, or a father’s rights activist—although I respect many of the contributions of each of those groups. I’m just a Dad who will never, ever give up on being a father to my kids.  I hope this blog gives you some information that will help you build your resolve to do the same.  I hope it offers you some practical solutions to the problems all of us in this situation probably deal with in one way or another.  Like they say, “Take what you can, and leave the rest.”